The Next Awesome

When I was a kid, my family, like a lot of families in the scared-of-predators era ( let’s say 1985- the foreseeable future), had a codeword that adults needed to use if they were unexpectedly sent to pick us up from somewhere instead of our parents. This was meant to keep us safe from strangers who said “Oh I know your mom, and she told me to come get you,” and then drive us off for some ill intent.

Since my brother and I have now made it into our thirties without anything like this ever having happened, I think it’s OK to tell you that our codename was “Sunflowers.” There it is. Big secret childhood codeword that was made up to address a situation that thankfully never came to pass. By the way thanks Mom and Dad for all those drives to and from activities! It never occurred to me that they might have other things they might rather do. 

Unrelated to the whole predator thing, I have a new use for codewords in day to day life.  

Sometimes interactions between people can be unexpectedly fraught with negative emotions - conflict, anxiety, anger, awkwardness — take your pick. Personally I worry in situations like this that I’ll let the heat of the moment get to me and make an impulsive comment that can take things in a possibly irreversibly wrong direction ( storming off, hanging up phone, your regular drama). It can be hard to tell how much is real emotion and how much has been heightened by the stress of the moment. 

One thing that has helped me very, very much in situations like this is having a codeword that I use right when I feel like I’m getting a bit too worked up. I actually say it out loud. It’s not a word I normally use, but it’s not uncommon enough that the other person will really notice. Somehow it helps me to say the word out loud rather than having some sort of internal pep talk, because it gets me out of my head and helps me see that I need to step back, take a walk, watch the next words coming out of my mouth, whatever I need to do to de escalate the situation for myself, even if the other person is willing to keep at it.

I realize not everyone is a “0-60” type person with quick flares of temper or anxiety, but if you are, give this trick a try. Pick a word that’s not a word you normally use, maybe something a bit old fashioned but that can be used in most contexts without alerting anyone that something unusual might be going on. This whole strategy is very contingent on you knowing when you’re getting upset enough that the situation could get out of hand quickly and be able to back out of it. If you can’t gauge this for yourself, you need to do a little more work to get yourself there. 

I won’t tell you what my word is, because unlike Stranger Danger, this is still something that’s a very real part of my life and something I do on the rare moments I find myself in a scrap.  

I think this can work for more than the short-tempered though, also for people with social anxiety who may need a break from a busy party, or a way to talk yourself down if you’re in a particularly difficult situation (flat tire, five year old’s birthday party and the clown didn’t show) and need a way to check in with yourself. Try it, and remember to say the word out loud, because if a situation’s going around in your head with no outlet, it’ll just stay there and catch fire. 

I had a bit of a rough weekend, on top of a rough few weeks. My stress level is at a high at the moment — far from the worst of things, but not great either. 

I have a lot of ways to manage stress — some are healthy, some less so, but most of the time I do OK. My methods include writing things down, exercise, cleaning up my diet, talking to friends, drinking with friends (see less healthy note above), and impromptu solo dance parties (these can be achieved with or without drinking). 

When things are serious enough that they are difficult to manage, I am a strong believer in modern mental health care practices, by which I mean talk therapy and medications as needed. 

There is nothing wrong or shameful about therapy. Going to see a therapist doesn’t necessarily mean your parents did a terrible job raising you, or you love drama, or something is deeply wrong with you. A therapy session can be everything from a place just to vent, to a place to come up with concrete solutions to a problem. You can go for a short time to solve an immediate issue or develop a longer relationship. 

Sometimes talk therapy isn’t enough and medications are needed, either on a long term basis or just to help with a rough patch. No one would tell you to just “get over” a serious illness (I would hope) without medical intervention, so why would a serious mental problem be any different? 

I’m writing about this highly personal and unfortunately still controversial topic because I feel like a lot of the cultural narrative is wrong - seeking out therapy and/or medications for anxiety, stress, depression, and a host of other mental ills isn’t a personal failing, nor is it a symptom that “we” ( who else hates those New York Times Style section articles that are always telling us what “we” are all doing wrong) are disconnecting as a society and not talking to our friends enough or something. 

I decided to start seeing a therapist a few years ago to talk about a variety of complex problems. I remember the moment I made that decision with crystal clarity. I remember what I was doing and where I was sitting at the time. I was tired and frustrated with how I’d been feeling and needed it to change. I remember thinking, ” I don’t want to live like this, and I won’t.” Even though it was kind of a terrible time, having that thought and acting on it was tremendously powerful.  I found a way to take charge of what was going on, and I’ll never forget it. It was the opposite of weakness. 

So tonight I saw this play, 3C, at the Rattlestick Playwrights Theater in New York (in New York, theater can be just 15 minutes from your office on a beautiful July evening! It’s a great thing.)

The play is being called “the most divisive and controversial play in New York” (thanks New York Post) and I will admit that it’s…strange and hard to characterize. Definitely a love it or hate it thing. I loved it, but this isn’t a theater review blog so let me just say that if you’re in New York and at all inclined go get your tickets now through closing night on Saturday. 

The play is sort of but not really based on the same plot as late 70s early 80s show Three’s Company, in which a guy living with three girls pretends to be gay so the landlord doesn’t kick him out for living in sin with single women, basically. The play has the same basic theme, with the roommates (ditzy blond, serious brunette, klutzy aspiring chef), the sex crazed neighbor, homophobic landlords, and silly misunderstandings, but pins all this to much darker themes. Not really a parody or sendup or critique of those times but kind of, and a little more than that. 

I remember watching reruns of the show growing up (bit too young for the original run), and like most of my contemporaries, always wondered why they couldn’t just DISCUSS things instead of having these wild misunderstandings that made them anxious and avoid each other and have wacky hijinks until it’s all sorted out in the end. Of course, if the characters just discussed things or put phone messages in prominent, easy to find locations or didn’t eat the cake that was meant for Jack’s chef class, then all the episodes would have been only about two minutes long and pretty boring. 

Life isn’t a 70s sitcom, and it isn’t even a 2012 play that’s taking inspiration from a 70s sitcom, but in my experience people still struggle with misunderstandings in relationships, and the result isn’t really that funny. 

I’ve definitely had situations in the recent past when I can tell that people are not telling me what is on their mind. We’re having a conversation and they’re making conclusions and not telling me what they are, and going forth and making decisions based on these wild misperceptions. 

I’m an open book in a lot of ways. Most of my emotions are written on my face, and I don’t reserve my opinions as very often (maybe not as often as I should). I can react impulsively and give my opinion quickly and honestly, if not elegantly. 

Not everyone needs to be this open nor should they be, but sometimes I get a little tired of finding out months later that some opinion of mine bothered someone to the point that they were angry with me, or didn’t want to spend time with me, or talked about it with other people, or whatever else. Not being a mind reader, I’ve had no idea what the issue is, have felt a chill, and have debated whether I should say something or not.

People get really entrenched in their point of view about an issue, and if they’re convinced that you’ve done them some irreparable wrong, even broaching the topic can be a mistake. I’ve tried this, even trying to be apologetic, or asking questions about how I might be able to fix the situation, but people dig themselves so deeply into their own perception of the situation. And obviously, that perception doesn’t do me a lot of favors. I don’t come across very well in the mind of someone who’s decided I’ve done some wrong to them but will never give me the chance to explain myself. Of course, this just makes me dig into my own point of view a little more, and resentment builds, and the situation becomes complicated beyond reason. Years can go by this way. 

I’m using myself as an example here, but I know this has happened to most people out there. If you really don’t think it’s happened to you, it might just be because you didn’t notice or moved on from the person at about the same time. 

My opinion is that if you are angry with someone about something, it is fundamentally unfair not to discuss it with them, and also to get angry when they bring it up with you. You are probably wrong about their motivations about whatever they did or said. If they are open to discussing it with you, you should discuss it. If you really can’t discuss it, I mean I guess you can just give them the deep freeze forever, but they’re going to feel it and either try to bring it up in an attempt to understand your position or reconcile, or deep freeze you right back. But don’t pretend to be super surprised that they’ve noticed. Of course they have. 

I think more people should keep in mind how little we really can know about each other. People are always posting Plato and Dalai Lama quotes on Facebook about being kind and understanding each other, but this is a really difficult thing to practice and something you have to try and try at every day. I think a big part of this is having conversations when things bother you, even if those conversations are messy or annoying, because life is messy and annoying and relationships of any kind — family, romantic, friendships, are worth a little bit of your effort and an opening up of yourself. I admit I am not always very good at this myself (see note about being impulsive and inelegant above) but I try as hard as I can. So should you. 

I was recently propositioned and said no; I’d initially assumed he (I’m a woman) wasn’t into me. A few emails later I’ve confirmed that he was propositioning me for sex. Cool, but I want a relationship. Does the fact that he asked me for sex mean that I’m in the sex box and wasting my time? (Sex Box sounds fun but not for me right now!) Do I have to keep it in my pants until he agrees to relationship? Usually I put out early on so as not to waste time with someone incompatible in bed. HELP

Hey reader, it’s your birthday! Look what I got you, it’s a Sex Box! Whoot! (don’t Google that, trust me).

 I spent about ten minutes chuckling over the phrase Sex Box. You’re right, it does sound like fun. Ahem. Anyway. 

I’m curious about a lot of things with this guy, but particularly how you have/had this idea (before the proposition) that he’s not into you or somehow preemptively rejecting you. Where’s that coming from? I can’t know but you probably do. 

So it sounds like the idea of having sex earlier on is something you can get behind (ahem) because as you say, you don’t want to waste time in a relationship if things aren’t compatible sexually. BUT you’re not sure if a relationship beyond this one sex invite is what he’s going to want from this. 

I understand your concerns about the sex box. If you just meet up with him for sex and he’s not into a relationship he might never start to see you in that relationship way, you’re thinking. You know what though — I think if he’s not thinking relationship he won’t be thinking that whether or not you have the sexy sex times he’s looking for with his invite/proposition/what have you. This is almost the milleni-teens ( I have no idea what to call this time period), guys are generally more relaxed about this type of thing. As is the general rule though, if you’re into the sex but don’t want to take this in a booty call direction, don’t take any invites for same-day after 10 PM, don’t go over at 2 AM, try to have a public plan like beers and darts or something first, and all that stuff that I’m currently digging out of my brain since it’s been a little while since I’ve thought about all this. 

If you’d rather hold off on the sex because you want to sort out these relationship questions, just let him know. You know, when someone invites you over to play marbles, you…expect to play marbles. Air hockey or Jenga or executive golf are nice and all…but sometimes you just want. to. play. marbles. So make sure he knows what’s up. 

Bonus: A song by LaToya Jackson called Sex Box. Just…here it is.